Doctor Bonnie

Obviously, the kind of refinancing I’m talking about here has nothing to do with banks or mortgages or money – and everything today with emotional investment and the kind of pay-off that you can expect to get. Of course, investing in your relationships shouldn’t be done strictly for the benefits that you will receive – we want to build and foster the strongest bonds possible so each person can benefit – but it’s a simple fact that the more you put in, the more you will get out! For many of us, this becomes difficult to do when our lives get busy and we attempt to juggle the day-to-day pressures of life, work, family, school, kids, etc. That’s why now is as good a time as any to commit to re-connecting with those who are important in your life.

I’ve talked a bit before about how to discuss financial changes and cut-backs with your kids, and I want to focus on the positive outcomes that can be born out of these potential shifts in lifestyle. One thing I often tell people is to focus on re-finance their relationship, as well as their wallet. Wouldn’t your kids – or your family, or your significant other rather have you home for dinner than – say – the newest gadget? We can turn financial adversity into opportunity by feeling more loved and connected, and by shifting our focus to our relationship for mutual enjoyment, if we learn how.  Just because we lost our way financially doesn’t mean we have to lose our way to each other or to our children! In fact, getting back on track can also provide an amazing opportunity to re-prioritize our lives.

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Dr. Bonnie Eaker Weil

Did you know that more and more couples who have been planning to separate or get divorced are putting off their plans and continuing to live under one roof? They’re doing so either because divorce proceedings are too expensive right now, or because they can’t figure out how to split up what was once assets, and may now instead be liabilities. I call this problem “sleeping with the enemy,” and it doesn’t have to be a bad thing.

In the past, divorce has become almost easy. Now, financial constraints are forcing people to take a second look at their relationship and hopefully in many cases they’ll be able to work out their differences. One way this can happen is through – yep, you guessed it! - sex! Heated arguments can lead to great sex and when you’re still living under the same roof, you have the opportunity to allow this to happen. It can re-create the feeling you had when you had sex early on in your relationship, or it can almost create the feeling of having an affair with your own partner.

Everyone has a bio-chemical craving for connection, a theory I developed and talk about in Financial Infidelity. We’re all – to a certain extent – driven by the need for that dopamine high we get when we engage in pleasurable – and sometimes risky – behavior. This is what can lead someone into spending money behind someone’s back or conducting an illicit affair – and it’s the feeling that can be created when you’re having sex for the first time “all over again.”

On the surface, you’re in a situation that may allow you to re-create the initial feelings you had for your partner. But underneath, you’re putting your relationship back together. Sex with your partner is another, much less risky way to fulfill your need for connection and get the high you’re looking for. Because your actions leading up to sex release endorphins, and the act of sex itself facilitates calming hormones, you’ll end up feeling much better.  I would argue that in stressful, unstable times, sex IS a necessity, as it does much more than simply work to our advantage scientifically.

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(originally posted on MoneyWiseWomenBlog.net)

I’ve been thinking lately how honesty can play a part in your sex life, and how that correlation can be extrapolated out to pertain to financial honesty, as well. I believe that honesty is integral to sex, and that the converse is also true: sex is integral to honesty. Let’s take a look:

When I think of safe sex, I don’t just think of sex with protection – although that is definitely important! - I think of all the things that are necessary for a healthy, safe, relationship: Intimacy with your partner, trust in your partner and in your relationship, and commitment to each other. You can’t have all these things – what I would deem as the broader definition of “safe sex” - without having honesty in a relationship.

Honesty encompasses a lot of things, and it most definitely includes the financial aspects of a relationship. Sure, talking about money, budgets, the mortgage, bills and the like definitely isn’t sexy! Well, probably not for most people! But it’s one of those aspects that is required of a relationship that demonstrates  the values mentioned above: intimacy, trust and commitment.

Additionally, honesty in a relationship means fidelity – sexually, financially, and emotionally. I talk about putting relationships back together in my books “Adultery, the Forgivable Sin,” and Can we Cure and Forgive Adultery?” and highlight the  idea that monogamy is a conscience decision. Fidelity  - in its various forms – is a decision you make to stay honest in your relationship. Fidelity, honesty, sex, and finances are all inter-connected. In a healthy relationship this can be a great thing!

Especially in tough economic times, it’s crucial for a committed couple to be on the same page financially. Even if in the past one person was responsible for the bills (or all of the financial duties) and the other didn’t pay too much attention, now is the time to get both people involved, especially if you’ve experienced an economic or financial change or shift. Financial matters concern BOTH people in a relationship, and both people should be involved in their execution!

This type of honesty – when approached correctly – will lead to a more intimate and trusting relationship, which means “safer” sex for all involved!
Dr. Bonnie Eaker Weil has been an internationally acclaimed relationship therapist for thirty years. New York magazine named her one of the city’s top therapists and Psychology Today named her one of America’s best therapists. Her most recent book, Financial Infidelity, is available on Amazon. You can also find her and her books on Facebook.

I got quite a wonderful introduction over on BrunetteOnABudget.com when she ran my “Committment Doesn’t Have to be Expensive” article.

I start out the article by referencing the fact that commitment doesn’t have to be expensive. This is good news since most of us can’t afford one more expense this year! As the economy has fallen apart, most Americans have been cutting back on their expenditures whether it be drastically — from necessity — or little by little, in preparation for what might be to come.

Continue reading on BrunetteOnABudget.

By Dr. Bonnie Eaker Weil

I’m seeing a few positive changes already coming out of the financial crisis our country is facing: people are being forced to learn how to re-connect with their partner, loved ones and family. Hopefully these are skills they will take with them once we emerge on the other side of this economic hardship.

We have to talk about money. Money is often a bone of contention in many relationships and it’s not necessarily that this has changed – in fact, monetary discussions may become more intense now that even more is on the line – but sweeping it under the rug is no longer a viable option. We need the right tools in order to do so, but with proper techniques, our financially-focused discussions can be more useful than ever before.

We’re learning how to connect. Most career-focused people know how to make money and how to create successes for themselves. If you strip that away, we’re learning that family and relationships are important now more than ever.

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By: Dr. Bonnie Eaker Weil

In “Confessions of a Shopaholic,” the main character has a spending problem – as most true shopaholics do. It’s a fun, girly, light-hearted movie, but the premise at the center of it is anything but a laughing matter. As the economy continues its downward spiral now more than ever many of us need to save, but these are also the times when we’re most likely to fall into deceitful behavior, or financial infidelity. We know that spending money on that purse or those shoes – or any one of a number of things – isn’t a good idea, but we’re drawn to do it anyway. And when we do it, we’re drawn to cover it up.

As I’ve talked about on this blog before, financial infidelity can take on many different shapes. From someone who gets an extra $20 back at the grocery store when times are tight, to someone who opens a credit card behind their partner’s back, there are varying levels of extremity when talking about these issues. Financial infidelity stems from a number of things, and knowing these factors – and how to avoid them – can help keep you honest with your partner and with your own financial habits.

Many people that engage in Financial Infidelity (or “shopaholic-ism”!) are doing so out of a need for thrill-seeking behavior. It’s similar to the reason that people have affairs. In this case,they’re using their spending as a way to self-medicate the problems the face. I’m seeing more of this now – and it makes perfect sense! - as the economic turmoil creates an increasingly stressful situation!

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By Dr. Bonnie Eaker Weil

Throughout my practice, I’ve dealt with people who – for various reasons – keep issues of money and finances secret from their partner. This can manifest itself in different ways -from spending behind the other person’s back to no disclosing the fact that you’re keeping money for yourself, to having “secret” bank accounts or credit cards. Now that times are more economically difficult for many, it’s more likely that these types of behaviors could crop up – and more important than ever to stop them from doing so!

1.Honesty = Intimacy. If you’re feeling tempted to go behind your partner’s back, keep this correlation in mind. Full disclosure about money (or on many subjects!) brings safety, safety brings trust which brings connection and connection brings intimacy, which brings passion. Fostering a spirit of full disclosure in your relationship can go a long way toward the overall health of that relationship.

2.Talk it out. Of course, if you’re having urges to splurge on something without telling your partner or are tempted to not talk money matters during this difficult time you don’t want to push those feelings under the rug. This can often speak to an underlying fear in a relationship: fear of trust, fear of intimacy, etc. If this fear is present you and your partner need to work on cultivating a safe relationship. Don’t over-react if your partner did something unwise. Often the reason they hesitate to disclosure this information is because they fear the reaction.

3.Use the Money Love Language. I discuss this language in my book, and I’ve discussed it before on this site.  Communicating in a way that is empathetic, that provides clarity and validation in spite of short comings will encourage this crucial environment of full disclosure and trust.

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By Dr. Bonnie Eaker-Weil

This is good news since most of us can’t afford one more expense this year! As the economy has fallen apart, most Americans have been cutting back on their expenditures whether it be drastically – from necessity – or little by little – in preparation for what might be to come.

Sure, money – or lack there of – causes stress, but it’s important to bear that stress as a couple and not let it DETRACT from the time you spend investing in eachother and in your relationship. In some of my past posts, I’ve tackled how to do that – by asking the right questions, learning to fight fair and not being afraid to open up about your financial past.

But putting money aside and connecting on a relational level is just as important. Here are a few things you can do to re-invest in your relationship so that it will be left standing, long after the financial crisis has come and gone:

*Make a decision to fall in love again.
Fidelity – both sexual and financial – results from intent to REMAIN in love. These types of commitments don’t just happen. A strong relationship may feel fun and exciting at first, but it’s not based on those feelings! It’s normal that these initial impulses start to fade, but you have to commit to growing your love stronger than it was before.

*Treat each other like you did at the beginning.
Why does it seem to be the case that we only hurt the ones we love? We tend to show our “best selves” to the people who play less-important roles in our lives. Aside from learning to be nice to each other again, and learning to treat each other respectfully, bring back things that you did when you first met – and feel free to spice it up. Make these activities your top priority!

*A touch CAN be magical!
It can get your hormones flowing and build attraction. Rediscover romance by bringing physical connection – at whatever lever you’re comfortable with – back into your life.

*Give up your old money relationships
You must give up your old ways of dealing with money and re-map these problem areas with healthy habits.