Sex with the Enemy
Dr. Bonnie Eaker Weil
Did you know that more and more couples who have been planning to separate or get divorced are putting off their plans and continuing to live under one roof? They’re doing so either because divorce proceedings are too expensive right now, or because they can’t figure out how to split up what was once assets, and may now instead be liabilities. I call this problem “sleeping with the enemy,” and it doesn’t have to be a bad thing.
In the past, divorce has become almost easy. Now, financial constraints are forcing people to take a second look at their relationship and hopefully in many cases they’ll be able to work out their differences. One way this can happen is through – yep, you guessed it! - sex! Heated arguments can lead to great sex and when you’re still living under the same roof, you have the opportunity to allow this to happen. It can re-create the feeling you had when you had sex early on in your relationship, or it can almost create the feeling of having an affair with your own partner.
Everyone has a bio-chemical craving for connection, a theory I developed and talk about in Financial Infidelity. We’re all – to a certain extent – driven by the need for that dopamine high we get when we engage in pleasurable – and sometimes risky – behavior. This is what can lead someone into spending money behind someone’s back or conducting an illicit affair – and it’s the feeling that can be created when you’re having sex for the first time “all over again.”
On the surface, you’re in a situation that may allow you to re-create the initial feelings you had for your partner. But underneath, you’re putting your relationship back together. Sex with your partner is another, much less risky way to fulfill your need for connection and get the high you’re looking for. Because your actions leading up to sex release endorphins, and the act of sex itself facilitates calming hormones, you’ll end up feeling much better. I would argue that in stressful, unstable times, sex IS a necessity, as it does much more than simply work to our advantage scientifically.
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