Doctor Bonnie

Dr. Bonnie Eaker Weil

The New York Times has an interesting article about another victim of the recession: the easy divorce. The article mentions that couples used to argue over who got the house, the assets, etc. Now they’re arguing about who gets stuck with these things - which have often depreciated in value, and can be costly to maintain, sell, or simply hang on to.

The article mentions several couples that have been either planning to divorce or in the midst of divorce before the market took a downturn. Now, in some cases, they’re forced to put the proceedings on hold, and are living under the same roof with someone they’d prefer to be separated from.

If nothing else, the financial situations of many couples are forcing them to think harder about the “ease” of divorce – and I’m a firm believer that most marriages can be saved. Of course it’s miserable to share your home with someone who – if things had gone differently – would’ve been out the door months ago. Take this opportunity to re-evaluate more closely the reasons for breaking up or divorcing, it may end up being just what your relationship needed. By utilizing methods of financial and personal discussion – which I also talk about in my book, Make up Don’t Break up – you may be able to come at some of your problems from a more neutral place.

Money can be the number one relationship wrecker and if money problems have helped get you into a situation where you want to divorce it may seem counter-intuitive to think that during a financial crisis you can repair your relationship. I would encourage you to put effort into re-building your relationship. If you have to share a house, you may as well try to make your partnership work.

I recommend couples considering divorce or a break up use the “Money Love Language” that I discuss in my book, Financial Infidelity. This language is a way of thinking and talking about finances that helps you share your financial history with someone you’re becoming intimate with. Many of these conversations can be triggered by a transition in a relationship – like the financial transitions many couples find themselves in right now!

When it comes to stressful financial times, remember: both people need to know what’s going on, need to be able to give input and need to feel like they can voice their concerns. If the burden is falling on one person, the added stress of an unstable market can lead to poor decision making, including financial infidelity – where one person is making decisions, purchases or withdrawals behind the other’s back as a way of mitigating the added stress they’re feeling.

Aside from working through finances as a couple, you should also take times to do other things with each other to attempt to rebuild your relationships – watch your favorite TV show (which is free entertainment!). Listen to music together, meditate, cook dinner together, exercise together. Use  these unexpected financial  transitions to be open and honest in finding out what you can about the other person’s view of money.

By Dr. Bonnie Eaker-Weil

People have been arguing virtually since Hillary Clinton stepped on the political scene and made it clear she was here to stay years ago, about how much progress she’s made for women in politics, if she’s been helpful or hurtful. Since these debates have raged on for years now – and have no doubt intensified with her bid for the White House and the news that she’d fill the Secretary of State position – I’m not going to re-hash the arguments for or against the former first lady.

Rather, I’d like to point out a few things she has done, for better or for worse, and regardless of politics.

Clinton will be Secretary of State in her own right, not a wife, not a first lady. She made strides in this direction as United States Senator.

Her husband has made it clear that he’ll stand beside her and do what’s required to distance himself from any conflict of interest. It appears that he is determined to enable her to succeed (not that she didn’t put in her time being the “supportive” spouse!) and is following the rules I’ve set forth for couples when both of them have public, powerful, highly-demanding jobs.

Read the rest of this post in its original context on MoneyWiseWoman.com

By: Dr. Bonnie Eaker-Weil

Our new President-elect is facing a lot of pressure and expectation, but so is his wife. Comparisons are already being drawn between Michelle Obama and the likes of Jackie Kennedy, as if people are waiting for her to bring a new level of class, style and vigor not seen in the decades since. Part of the reason for the speculation is that Michelle hasn’t said a lot about what her plans are, aside from getting her daughters settled. So people are left to wonder if she’ll influence policy, if she’ll travel the world as a sort of ambassador for her husband, if she’ll contribute her thoughts on family policy, etc.

Interestingly, prior to their ascendance to the White House, Michelle drew in a higher salary than her husband did as a Senator. (That’s not accounting for his book sales, which drove their income considerably higher.) She’s well-educated, influential, clearly a good leader, and also a family woman – and it appears she’s able to manage and juggle all these roles. So will she have her hand in a number of issues? Of course, only time will tell. But … I would offer advice for the newly-elected presidential couple, and other high-powered couples out there. While the president and his wife likely have unparalleled pressure and constraints, other dual-income couples face similar problems, even if it’s on a smaller scale.

1).Be the other person’s biggest advocate. If both people are concentrating on supporting, encouraging, and listening to the other person, there’s less room for insecurities and mis-matched perceptions and goals. In a situation where both people have incredibly stressful and important jobs, acknowledging the importance of what each person does is crucial.

2).Discuss shared goals. This may look different for the presidential couple – who may be discussing their goals for policy when leading the free world! - than it does for a successful dual-income couple – who could be talking about their personal plans for the future. But the importance of making sure you’re each on the same page is crucial when the couple is under a lot of pressure and stress, and may not normally have time to communicate properly concerning big-ticket decisions.

3).CREATE moments for fondness and appreciation. The busier you get, the more obligations you have, the less likely it is that important bonding moments will just happen by themselves. You have to plan these moments and make them a priority.

There are few couples in the nation – or perhaps even in the world – that have the types of expectations and pressures put on them like the President and First Lady do. But there are plenty of couples who face demands on their time that make it difficult to carve out important time for their relationship – but it’s so important that they do!

By Dr. Bonnie Eaker Weil

While I think that just about any marriage or relationship can be saved, and shouldn’t end in divorce – as I talk about in my book, Make up, Don’t Break Up – break ups are sometimes an inevitable part of life, and they can change the way a person and/or a couple look at money.

A huge problem when dealing with money and divorce is that many couples haven’t really discussed finances, budgets and money UNTIL they are facing divorce (interestingly, this may also be what leads to divorce in the first place, as a relationship that is not open about money usually isn’t healthy).

The issue when breaking up is that each person’s relationship to shared finances change. When you’re married, there is typically some sort of knowledge in the back of your mind that you share what you have, and you aren’t too worried about who contributes what.

This isn’t the case when going through a divorce. Perspective shifts so people start thinking in terms of what THEY contributed and what they deserve.  Supriya Singh,  professor of accounting and law, gives a few examples:

“For a woman, if she gave up work and career to look after children, then how much was looking after children worth? You don’t want to face the notion that maybe you are financially dependent. It goes against the way you want to picture marriage,” she says.

Money and power are tricky subjects – especially when taken in the context of an impending separation.  I offer a few tips for dealing with these subjects in my book, Financial Infidelity, and while I would encourage couples to deal with this issues before they split, they can be applied in both circumstances.

*Appreciate sacrifices
*Focus on the positives
*Take turns paying the bills so it doesn’t feel like one person has the “financial upperhand.”
*Prioritize
*Negotiate
*Discuss any resentment immediately
*Discuss money

Continue reading the post on MoneyWiseWoman.com

By Dr. Bonnie Eaker Weil

(Originally posted on Money Wise Woman)

An unfortunate story in Germany illustrates the importance of talking money with your partner. It may be an extreme example, but it can serve to forewarn others none-the-less.

The richest woman in Germany – BMW heiress Susanne Klatten – was the victim of extortion when the man she was having an affair with tried to blackmail her. The 46-year-old married mother-of-three fell for Helg Sgarbi, subsequently meeting him in inexpensive hotels in BMW’s home city of Munich.

Sgarbi first used his liaison to extract money from his super-rich conquest, telling her that gangsters were after him and he needed €7.5 million to pay them off.

The story worked and Klatten gave him the money last fall. The relationship soon ended, but Sgarbi continued to try and get more money from her.

Sgarbi apparently had an accomplice who had been filming the couple’s liasons from an adjoining room.  According to an Italian police report, Sgarbi phoned Klatten in November demanding €14 million or he would release compromising video footage.

Instead of going herself, Klatten sent the police.

This is an extreme example of how affairs and financial infidelity are often intertwined, and an example in which one person was committing both financial and sexual infedlity.

One couple I worked with had a similar problem that led to financial deception. The woman was aware of her husband’s affair, and she would see the purchases he made for his mistress come through their bank account. She would then add up the cost of these purchases, and buy something for herself that cost that amount. She did this both as a way to retaliate, and as a way to try to deal with the pain and stress.

(Read the rest here)

Money isn’t just dollars and cents––it’s power and control. Financial problems and marriage problems go together like bread and butter, and financial infidelity is the worst money problem of them all. The good news is, you can restore a healthy relationship and recover from financial infidelity.

Listen to Dr. Bonnie’s advice during her time on Dr. Nancy’s podcast here.

Check out my post on the subject over on Money Wise Woman. Here’s an excerpt:

Many women have trouble being forthcoming when it comes to talking about money, but now more than ever it is important for us to speak up. Women entrepreneurs specifically can benefit from this advice in the fluctuating economy. Business coach Veronica Canning admonishes that, “”In a recession women business owners can’t afford to be shy. But if you’re a woman in business, the chances are that you don’t like negotiating and try to avoid it.”

In an uncertain economy negotiating and talking about money is becoming more and more important as someone who’s self-employed, or as a small business owner. But that doesn’t mean it comes easy. Canning admonishes business women to sharpen up their negotiation skills in order to survive.

This advice is important for women and is applicable in good economies and in bad. Although more and more women are out-earning men (whether that be in their own business or in the corporate world), they tend to suffer from generations of traditionally held ideas – one of which dictates that women aren’t the ones to be in charge of money, and it’s rude for them to talk about it.

Canning suggests that “If you are not negotiating all the time, then you need to start at once. As things get tougher in the economy, you will need to be focused on getting what you need.”

This bit of advice is appropriate and applicable for many women, not just entrepreneurs. Whether you have difficulty talking about money in business relationships or with your significant other in a personal relationship, it’s a pattern that can be broken.

In this fluctuating economy, it can be tempting to hide purchases or income from your significant other. Below is Dr. Bonnie’s perscription for a couple she counseled on Good Morning America, who was doing just

that - and we think it can help you, too. The MoneyGram chart is taken from Financial Infidelity. For more information, reference the book, or call Dr. Bonnie’s phone therapy line at (212) 606-3787.

Exercise #3

Do this exercise with your partner to see how each of you
view the ten things you spend the most money on and your partner’s reaction.

By: Dr. Bonnie Eaker Weil

The queen of the pop world is divorcing her film director husband. Madonna and Guy Ritchie were married for nearly eight years – practically a record by Hollywood standards, but the announcement came recently from the singer’s publicist that the two are calling it quits.

Of course there has already been – and there will no doubt continue to be – speculation over the cause of the divorce, including the suggestion that Madonna is, in fact, involved with baseball star Alex Rodriguez. These allegations were first put forth in July, when the baseball star was reportedly spotted making late-night visits to her New York apartment. Madonna even went as far as to issue a public statement at that point that she and her husband were NOT splitting up.

But, according to US Weekly, now that they have, Alex Rodriguez is definitely in the picture and spending more and more time with Madonna. Rodriguez already went through a divorce, thanks in part to the headlines about his involvement with the singer: his wife Cynthia filed when rumors of a relationship with Madonna hit the headlines.

Clues to the separation abound and include: Ritchie’s reported increasing frustration with Madonna’s faith, differences over how to raise kids, and arguments about where to live.

I believe that all these things – even the possible infidelity – could be worked through if the couple wanted to stay together. Of course, both people have to be willing to work at it, and some prefer not to, but I stand by the idea put forth in my book, Make up Don’t Break Up, that there are few things that can’t be worked through to save a marriage.

One or both people in situations that often lead to divorce are typically suffering from what I call the bio-chemical craving for connection. This is the idea that people experiencing stress, separation or loss often are inclined toward thrill-seeking behavior. This behavior is often revealed in the form of an affair. No doubt there is a lot of stress in a Hollywood relationship – whether that stress be raising kids, jet-setting, deciding on a religion, any one of a number of things!

Having an affair – or refusing to work on your relationship - is a way of acting out and not talking out  extreme feelings in a person’s life.

In and of itself, a Hollywood affair is no surprise, as celebrities likely are under intense stress on a daily basis. They are therefore are more prone toward a self-medicated high to temporarily cancel out the stressful emotions they feel.